Funny quotes *MUST READ ALL!!*

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. ~Murphy's Law

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

I tell you this, and I tell you plain:What you have done, you will do again;You will bite your tongue, careful or not,Upon the already-bitten spot.~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

It's always been and always will be the same in the world: The taxi does the work and the driver is tipped. ~Author Unknown

An unwatched pot boils immediately. ~H.F. Ellis

If you wonder where your child left his roller skates, try walking around the house in the dark. ~Leopold Fechtner

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. ~Author Unknown

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. ~Author Unknown

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. ~Author Unknown

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. ~Author Unknown

No one is listening until you fart. ~Author Unknown

I find I always have to write something on a steamed mirror. ~Elaine Dundy

The Act of God designation on all insurance policies... means roughly that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you. If your ox kicks a hole in your neighbor's Maserati, however, indemnity is instantaneous. ~Alan Coren, The Lady from Stalingrad Mansions, 1977